Reading His Suicide Note

In creating the Foreward podcast, I did a great deal of research on the shooting that occurred at my own high school.  The research was necessary in order to develop empathy for characters who are hard to like.   This was no small task for me, because I have struggled with the idea of forgiveness my entire life.  Even small mistakes leave me feeling irrationally angry.  I have always deemed the shooter’s choices that day as unforgivable. Writing the script for the Foreward podcast helped shift that for me.

Although the story is not about the shooter at the high school, it was necessary to introduce his character to provide context for my audience.  The shooter killed himself that day, which meant I knew very little about him.  How do you write a character who you do not know, who you will never have the opportunity to know?

I read his suicide note.  

In the podcast, I called the shooter Keith.  Reading his suicide note challenged me to settle into his shoes for a few days.  Keith grew up in a household where he was severely abused.  School was the only place where he felt safe.  He was having hallucinations and memory issues at the time of the shooting.  He didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t.  

I had a conversation with my partner about this.  He said,

“If that’s the case, why would he make school someplace that wasn’t safe for so many others?”

It’s a good question, and there’s not a good answer, but it made me think.  Have there been times when I felt so depressed and lost that I wished I wasn’t alive?  Yes.  Have there been times when that sadness was so intense that it caused irrational thoughts?  Yes.  Have there been times that I thought I was being selfless in wanting to spare others the pain I was feeling by taking them down with me?  Yes.  

What’s the difference between me and Keith?  I had resources that Keith did not have.  I wish Keith would have sought help.  Perhaps what he did is unforgivable, but perhaps his mental illness was so severe that the only way things could have gone differently was if Keith would have had access to someone who could have listened.  

Keith was a man with mental illness and access to a gun.  A deadly combination.

In Keith’s suicide note, he mentions an address  where he was staying at the time of the shooting.  I recently drove to that address and sat in my car outside of the place that was once his room.  It didn’t sting the way I wanted it to.  It felt neutral, which felt scary.  

What if forgiveness doesn’t mean we “forgive and forget.”  What if it means the charge is gone, and that we aren’t allowing that person’s actions to control us anymore?  

I hope that someday I’ll forgive Keith.  In the meantime, I’m doing my best to try to understand that he was a person.  He was a very sad, lost person, and that struggle is not unique.  

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